It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
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My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes