[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
You Might Also Like
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.