A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
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me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Noted.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.