Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
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Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she鈥檇 maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 馃檮
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My kid told me whenever I don鈥檛 wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we鈥檙e playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 馃憣馃徏
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Sorry I鈥檓 late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still