@MythicPicnic

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

@MythicPicnic

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

@MythicPicnic

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

@MythicPicnic

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

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George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

@MythicPicnic

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

@MythicPicnic

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

@MythicPicnic

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

@MythicPicnic

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.