@MythicPicnic

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

@MythicPicnic

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

@MythicPicnic

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

@MythicPicnic

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

@MythicPicnic

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

@MythicPicnic

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

@MythicPicnic

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

@MythicPicnic

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous