If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
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So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
i will not be silenced
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Don’t snitch tag.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business