Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
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When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”