[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
You Might Also Like
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.