WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
You Might Also Like
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
good work, detective
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]