wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
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modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!