Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
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Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose