her: say those three words and i’m yours
me: [leaning in to whisper in her ear] oppa gangnam style
every night before we put our dog in his kennel me and my girlfriend pretend we are sentencing him to prison for a different crime. she always jails him for crimes like being too cute or aggravated fluff while i sentence him for things like conspiracy to commit arson or fraud
well they’re gonna sell out pretty quick!
me: i’m looking to sell this gun, can you do $400
pawn shop owner: i can do $250
me: [cocking gun] how about now
pawn shop owner: well now that i see that it works yeah i could do $400
freezing my bottle of water so that when i go to the airport later i can get it through security because it’s technically not a liquid
me: so what do you do
date: i’m a head chef at a restaurant
me: [visibly scared] d-do you grill them or boil them
[first day as a train conductor]
coworker: you the new guy?
me: yeah, i guess you could say i’m in train-ing
me: so far this job is off the rails
me: so what do you guys do to let off steam
coworker: [sighing] okay that one was pretty good
here are my new year’s resolutions:
• start going to the gym every day
• cut out sweets
• take some acting classes
• get that tattoo of an eye removed from my ankle
• marry violet in an attempt to secure the baudelaire orphans’ immense fortune
on halloween we dress up as skeletons but every other day of the year our skeletons dress up as us
cop: you know you have the right to remain silent right
me: what your biggest fear?
date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic
me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?