If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
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I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?