[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
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John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*