If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
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Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.