Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
You Might Also Like
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
“i am a sweet baby”
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
This is a sub tweet
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
🤣😂
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”