What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
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How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.