My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
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Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Something Saturday.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
smartest karate player in the world
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems