My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
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My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
No, he would not have.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
This made me smile…
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions