Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
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If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second