Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
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*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??