*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*
“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”
*slams hands down*
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”
“Sir, how may I help you?”
*swivels around in chair*
— A coffee please!
“Did you bring that chair in here?”
[10 mins into couples therapy]
Therapist: I cannot help you two.
Me: Let’s go, Betsy! See! She doesn’t listen!
T: GET YOUR DOG OFF MY COUCH!
Joe: If you love it so much why don’t you marry it?
[Two weeks later]
Jim: Meet my new wife!
*holds up Joe’s wife’s potato salad*
*DJ scratches a sick mix*
[crowd goes wild]
*DJ scratches a puppy’s ear*
*DJ scratches Lotto ticket*
Onions are the Russian nesting dolls of the vegetable world.
I like making babies… Unsuccessfully, of course.
A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.
A shirt so loud, you have to wear ear plugs when you put it on.
I was making breakfast, then “She’s a maniac” came on the radio… Everything is a blur.
Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?