You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
You Might Also Like
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Life cycle of cat