@Nahdude83

*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*

*punches watermelon*

“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”

*slams hands down*

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”

@Nahdude83

“Sir, how may I help you?”

*swivels around in chair*
— A coffee please!

“Did you bring that chair in here?”

*reclines back*
— Maybe?

@Nahdude83

[10 mins into couples therapy]
Therapist: I cannot help you two.
Me: Let’s go, Betsy! See! She doesn’t listen!
T: GET YOUR DOG OFF MY COUCH!

@Nahdude83

Joe: If you love it so much why don’t you marry it?
Jim: Hmm

[Two weeks later]
Jim: Meet my new wife!
*holds up Joe’s wife’s potato salad*

@Nahdude83

*DJ scratches a sick mix*
[crowd goes wild]
*DJ scratches a puppy’s ear*
[crowd “awws”]
*DJ scratches Lotto ticket*
[crowd “oohs”]
*wins $1*

@Nahdude83

Onions are the Russian nesting dolls of the vegetable world.

@Nahdude83

A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.

@Nahdude83

A shirt so loud, you have to wear ear plugs when you put it on.

@Nahdude83

I was making breakfast, then “She’s a maniac” came on the radio… Everything is a blur.
Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?