Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
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Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.