Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Not recommended for beginners.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.