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waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”