I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
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That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd