BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
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In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.