It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
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Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!