Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
You Might Also Like
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.