@NapVeg

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

@NapVeg

me: 🙂
dentist: open wide
me: 😮
dentist: wider
me: :O
dentist: wider
me: :[ ]
dentist: wider

@NapVeg

tbh spending 4 full minutes singing about how u didn’t start the fire makes me a little suspicious about ur involvement in the fire

@NapVeg

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

@NapVeg

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

@NapVeg

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

@NapVeg

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

@NapVeg

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

@NapVeg

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

@NapVeg

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man