Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
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A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
when someone rings the doorbell
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
some cats are just doing for fun!
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.