Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
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My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Why I divorced her.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.