An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
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HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team