What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
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It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
584.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.