*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
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*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”