Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
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robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees