Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
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My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.