I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
You Might Also Like
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
idk what he going thru but i feel him
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”