[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
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I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight