I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
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draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?