[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
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I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
This makes total sense…
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle