Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
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Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
only 11 steps left
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
What if all the cashiers are married?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
birds and squirrels envy us