BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.