My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
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Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
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My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.