SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
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Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?