Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
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escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Taliband
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief