Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
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*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.