“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
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me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song