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Page of NewDadNotes's best tweets

@NewDadNotes : Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

@NewDadNotes: Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

@NewDadNotes: Friend: what’s it like having kids?

Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock.

Friend: that’s not so bad.

Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.

@NewDadNotes: Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

@NewDadNotes: Wife: oh no! my sister is about to give birth but they can’t find her medical team.

Me: sounds like she’s having a midwife crisis.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: we’ll talk about this when I get back.

@NewDadNotes: Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

@NewDadNotes: Yoga Instructor: and now we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s u-

Wife: -NOOO!!!

@NewDadNotes: Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

@NewDadNotes: God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

@NewDadNotes: Wife: my husband wanted to name our kids after Harry Potter characters but I wouldn’t let him.

Friend: so what did you name them?

Wife: James and Lily.

Friend:

Wife: what? what is it?

Friend: have you ever read Harry Potter?

Wife: no why?