@NewDadNotes: Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
@NewDadNotes: Me: [looking at my wife]
Me: I’m just in awe of you.
Me: of how strong you are.
Wife: I’m not helping you move your LEGO Hogwarts castle.
Me: but no one can see it down in the basement.
@NewDadNotes: Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
@NewDadNotes: Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
@NewDadNotes: Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
@NewDadNotes: God: you can breathe underwater!
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
Fish: just on the land or something?
@NewDadNotes: [doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Me: pistol; three letters
Me: disgust; three letters
Me: charity; four letters
Me: female sheep; three letters
Me: Pixar movie; two letters
@NewDadNotes: Mammoth: [slides $20 across the table] I need you to take out the Dinosaurs.
God: [pocketing money] how do you want it done?
Mammoth: make it look like an accident.
God: I’ll hit em with a rock.
Mammoth: what? no I said an accident.
God: a big ole space rock.
@NewDadNotes: Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Me: what’s your favorite number?