*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
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ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”